Tips for co-parenting success
July 2023
After a separation, it is easy to get into a cycle of negativity surrounding the other parent and historical events.
Co-parenting does not need to be difficult and can be a pleasant experience when the past is put to one side. Whilst this is easier said than done, there are a few small steps that you may wish to slowly implement to help you along the way.
When having a disagreement or a moment where you feel frustrated, take a step back and consider who will benefit from the actions and who will suffer as a result.
Most of the time the answer will be that there is no benefit to anyone unless you work together and the only people to suffer in these situations are the children.
Initial Discussion
This summary provides general information and does not constitute legal advice on any individual circumstances.
For an initial discussion and a no-obligation quote, get in touch with us today by simply calling us on 01234 343134 or email us at enquiries@fullersfamilylaw.com and a member of our team will get back to you.
I want to take the children away over your weekend…
Often one parent may wish to take the children away over the other parent’s weekend or swap weekends/holidays. This is commonly viewed as interfering and causes disgruntlement as to why the trip could not be planned on their own weekend/time. The answer is often costs are cheaper, a scheduling conflict with work or other family members or a specific event takes place on those dates.
A different perspective
Instead of looking at it from the point of view of the other parent’s actions and the fact that it feels that they are making this decision specifically to make your life difficult, try to consider the benefit to the children.
- They are getting a trip and an experience that they may not otherwise have.
- You are getting additional time where you may be able to do those things that you have been planning but not yet managed.
- The children will be excited to tell you about their experience on their return and will appreciate you more for allowing them that time.
- There may be a weekend that you would prefer to have the children for your own experience. It is more likely to be agreeable if you are also flexible.
- The children are getting to spend invaluable time with the other parent.
Remember that you will be co-parenting your children for many more years and the more you can work together for the benefit of the family, the happier everyone will be.
The children complain to you about the other parent…
Any form of separation and a blended family can lead to times when the children will test and push the boundaries hoping to gain something from one parent. It is important to anticipate this and to have a plan of action with the other parent.
It is very easy to get into a ‘the children said this’ argument and disagreement. Instead, try to take a perspective of understanding what the children are trying to achieve. Most times the children will be seeking to gain something that they have been denied or are aware may not be given easily.
Consider a different approach
If your child starts complaining about the other parent, try to see what may be frustrating the child and why the other parent may have set the boundaries they have. It may be useful to have some agreed phrases and approaches with the other parent for these situations such as: -
- ‘Let me discuss this with the other parent and we will come back to you with a joint decision.’
- ‘This is not possible, but shall we consider going/getting this instead’.
- ‘How about we let the other parent know when we see them next, and we can discuss this together’.
- ‘I am aware that you have been denied this but it is for a good reason. Have you considered this instead?’.
It is important for children to know that whilst you may no longer be under one roof, you both hold a united front. It may be that you both have different parenting styles but remember it is important to respect the other parent’s perspective and not criticise. Perhaps there is a compromise you both could reach as to how you would approach certain circumstances. Try not to get fixated on the story of what has happened but instead, focus on working together to find the best solution.
Listen to your child but remember you are their parent. For example, children generally speaking do not like going to the dentist but you make the appointment as it's in their best interest. It's likely that any misunderstanding has been brought about by preconceived ideas or misunderstandings that can be ironed out if everyone talks together.
Finally, be careful of the language used when communicating with your co-parent. Certain phrases have a tendency to attract negative connotations despite the good intentions. Try to keep matters informal and understanding. Do not delve into the past. What happened to cause the breakdown of your relationship is not relevant to the future of your children. Keep the past in the past. Try to keep matters focused on solutions and positivity for the children. Communication issues are the most common reason for why co-parenting relationships break down. Do not fall into this majority and always ask yourself if raising an issue in the way that you plan will benefit the children. You may need to rephrase and reassess how to deal with the situation to make it positive and child-focused.
There is a vast range of positive parenting and co-parenting approaches that can be used to build a healthy foundation for children. The above are just the tip of the iceberg on some methods that can be used.
At Fullers Family Law, we like to ensure that when we deal with children matters we look at the long-term healthy relationship that can be achieved for the children. We strive to achieve a positive co-parenting relationship.
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For an initial discussion and a no-obligation quote, get in touch with us today by simply calling us on 01234 343134, filling in the contact form below, or emailing us at enquiries@fullersfamilylaw.com and a member of our team will get back to you.
