The difference between being in control and being controlled!
February 2020 | Martin Fuller
A lady lived with her husband and two children in a perfect home. She made it perfect, as she only ever wanted to love and be loved. She was devoted to her family and loved life. To the world outside everything was faultless in her life.
However, behind closed doors and deep in her heart the world was becoming a sad and dark place. She had been married for 17 years. She loved her husband unquestionably. She had, however, started to notice patterns in his behaviour, for the last 5 years or so. These patterns, she realised, had always been there, but had been unnoticed. She was now starting to see and feel very controlled by him. She thought at first it was all in her mind.
Looking back she could recall, how at first he would often compliment her cooking, and then begin to critique it, a little more salt, or less spice maybe. He would thank her for ironing his clothes, then point out how they could have been ironed a little better. The compliments with critiques continued to develop as she tried to please her husband. She would always seem to get something wrong in the weekly shop, and she was not earning as much money as him. He even started to tell her she looked ridiculous wearing ‘that top’, ‘skirt’ or ‘those shoes’ for example. There was always something her husband did not quite like about whatever she did, or how she looked. She trusted her husband and the more her confidence failed her, the more she relied on her husband for guidance. Looking back she could remember how she used to be care free and happy. She no longer knew what that felt like. She had put that down to being a parent, but now she was not so sure.
Looking back she saw that if she wanted to go somewhere, her husband would often be slow getting ready, making them late. His tardiness would cause her anxiety and even though they would always get there just in time, she would not be able to relax and enjoy the event. Often they had argued on the way, because she was so frustrated with his behaviour. How long had he been behaving in this way she wondered? Certainly for as long as she could remember.
Also, if she was going to meet a friend, her only friend, there would often be an argument of no consequence, between her and her husband just before she went out. Leaving her unable to enjoy her friend’s company. She would be worrying about the argument and the atmosphere she would be returning home to. Again, she could not recall when that all started with her friends.
She then realised that she hardly ever went out with friends on her own anymore, because of her husband’s behaviour. In fact, she only had one real friend, her best friend, and she only saw her once every six months or so. She would often, perhaps sub-consciously, delay seeing her friend, because she did not want to have to tell her husband they were meeting up. She felt sad when she thought of all the friends she used to have. Where had they all gone?
Whilst she was now aware of her husband’s controlling behaviour, the situation was well established. The children were even copying their father’s behaviour towards her. The controlling behaviour had become embedded.
Whilst her awareness was growing, she started keeping a secret log, writing down the events. She became so good at noticing her husband’s behaviour that she could predict his moves before the situation arose. When she re-read her journal, she would question her sanity, as it all seemed so surreal. Was she going mad? Her husband certainly held that view.
Her husband was a very private person. No one could talk about the family outside of the family, as he felt it was private, and that was absolute. It had always been that way. She had always respected his need for privacy and in some ways admired it, but now she needed to speak to someone and felt trapped by the privacy rule.
Having decided to trust her one and only friend, and despite feeling incredibly disloyal to her husband, she off loaded the whole sorry story. Her friend was very supportive. After a while her friend asked what she would like to happen.
She explained that she would like to save the marriage. Marriage is for life and she believed this, but she was so miserable. She was also worried about the legal process and the outcome. How her husband would behave during the divorce. She was also scared of being on her own with no money and having to start again at her time of life. She could see no alternative, so she would just have to put up with it. She did not have the confidence to leave her husband as he was just too strong for her. And there were the children to think about as well.
Her friend suggested that she should get some counselling to help her understand how she felt and why she felt that way. She also suggested some marriage guidance counselling to help her husband understand how his behaviour was affecting her. And finally, to put her mind at rest, a meeting with a family lawyer who specialised in planning, and exit strategies from coercive controlling marriages.
Her friend reassured her if she took professional advice instead of guessing and assuming the worst, she would know all of the options and possible outcomes. Her friend even offered to pay so that her husband would not question the expenditure.
The counsellor helped her regain her confidence and gain an insight into her situation, and why she felt the way she did, as well as how she had normalised the controlling behaviour within the marriage.
She also saw a family lawyer who explained how the process of divorce would work, how she would be supported during the process, and the steps that could be taken to protect her and the children if need be. She was also informed of the costs, length of time to complete the process, possible issues and likely outcomes.
After nearly 6 months from that first meeting with her friend, she now felt empowered to start living her life for herself.
She asked her husband if he would be willing to attend marriage guidance with her as she was unhappy in the marriage and had been for some time. The husband refused stating that the marriage was fine. He said that she was just hormonal and/or having a mid-life crisis. She just needed to stop feeling sorry for herself. She believed or wanted to believe her husband, as she always had, but with the support of her counsellor she could see this was her husband’s controlling behaviour trying to retain the status quo by making her doubt herself. Even though she had planned for this response with her counsellor, her husband’s dismissal of her concerns, set her back and undermined her confidence.
The breaking point came when the husband told her she would get nothing if she divorced him and the children would stay with him because she was mentally unstable. She was not mentally unstable. That much she did know about herself.
She instructed her lawyer and commenced divorce proceedings, and after a long 9 months the divorce was concluded.
She now lives in her own home secure in her own surroundings. She is free to express herself wearing the clothes she likes and pleasing herself as to who she goes out with and when. She has adopted a cat. She had always wanted a cat.
The children are happy and have stopped spending hours and hours in their bedrooms avoiding any interaction with their parents. The children have regular contact with their father. Unfortunately, the husband is still angry and that’s regrettable, but he has accepted that the marriage is over. She hardly ever communicates with him now and only ever in respect of the children.
She could not be happier now. Naturally there are times when she mourns for her marriage, but generally how she had hoped the relationship would have worked out, not the reality of her existence under her husband’s control.
This is a fictional story based on my experience as a family lawyer. However, there are many people living within oppressive and controlling relationships. Marriage or any relationship should last only as long as it is providing a positive benefit to both. Life is just too short.
I would like to add that whilst this story focuses on a female lead, abusive partners can be male or female and apply to all relationships. Indeed, controlling behaviour can be as subtle as it is prevalent.
I attach some links to websites below that I hope you might find informative. Whilst I do not endorse these websites, they are a very quick reference to the magnitude of this problem within relationships. So, if you are not sure if you are in an abusive or controlling relationship please see if these links help you decide. Indeed, if you think a friend is suffering, please also mention these links to them.
Controlling relationships are by their very nature difficult to extract yourself from. But not impossible with the right professional help and support.
If you would like to find out more about our services , or would like to discuss your situation, please contact reception on 01234 343134, fill in the contact form below, or email us at enquiries@fullersfamilylaw.com.
www.lifeadvancer.com/signs-controlling-relationship
pairedlife.com/problems/7-Warning-Signs-of-a-Controlling-Boyfriend-How-to-Deal-With-a-Controlling-Relationship
www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-Manipulative-or-Controlling-Relationship
www.loveisrespect.org/resources/dating-violence-statistics
www.gov.uk/government/news/coercive-or-controlling-behaviour-now-a-crime
