Leaving an Abusive Relationship Safely: A Step-by-Step Guide

How to leave an abusive relationship safely

1. Tell someone you trust. A close friend, family member or colleague who can support you, help you plan, provide a temporary safe place to stay, or simply be aware of your situation.
2. Contact a domestic abuse service. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) is free, confidential and available 24 hours a day. Advisers can help you think through a safety plan, understand your options and signpost you to local services, including refuges and legal help.
3. Use Clare’s Law if you need more information. You have a legal right to ask the police whether your partner has a history of domestic violence or abuse. This is called the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, or Clare’s Law. The information shared can help you and your solicitor understand the risks you face and make more informed decisions about your safety plan and any urgent legal steps.
4. Seek legal advice early. You do not need to have decided to leave before speaking to a solicitor. A family law solicitor can advise you confidentially about your legal options, including injunctions, housing rights, children and finances. Legal aid may be available.
5. Prepare your documents and essentials. If it is safe to do so, collect identity documents, financial records and any evidence of abuse. Keep copies somewhere your partner cannot access.
6. Arrange somewhere safe to go. This might be with family or friends, or it might mean contacting a local refuge. Your local council also has a duty to help if you are at risk of homelessness due to domestic abuse.
7. Leave when it is safe to do so. Choose a time when your partner is not present, if possible. If you have children, make arrangements for them as part of your plan. If you have pets, some charities offer temporary fostering for pets of abuse survivors.
8. Apply for legal protection. Once you are safe, your solicitor can apply for an emergency non-molestation order and, if relevant, an occupation order. These can be obtained quickly, sometimes on the same day, and without your partner being told in advance.
9. Inform relevant people and organisations. Depending on your circumstances, this may include your children’s school, your GP, your employer and your bank. Your solicitor can advise on what is appropriate.

Recognising Domestic Abuse: What It Can Look Like

Domestic abuse is defined broadly under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021. It covers behaviour by a person towards a partner, former partner or family member that is abusive, and applies to anyone aged 16 or over. Abuse does not have to be physical, it does not have to have been reported to the police, and it does not have to happen every day to be serious. It does not matter whether the behaviour consists of a single incident or a course of conduct.

Understanding what counts as abuse is an important first step, both for your own clarity and because it affects your legal options.

Physical Abuse and Violent or Threatening Behaviour

Physical abuse includes hitting, punching, kicking, choking, restraining or using objects as weapons. It includes any unwanted physical contact intended to hurt, frighten or control you. Physical abuse often escalates over time, and the most dangerous period for many victims is when they attempt to leave.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is a distinct category under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 and one that many survivors find difficult to name. It includes any sexual act carried out without your consent, including within a marriage or long-term relationship. Marital rape has been a criminal offence in England and Wales since 1991. Sexual coercion, being pressured or manipulated into sexual activity you do not freely agree to, is also abuse.

If you have experienced sexual abuse within your relationship, you do not have to separate it from other forms of abuse when seeking help. It is relevant to your safety planning, your legal options and the support available to you.

Emotional and Psychological Abuse

This can be harder to recognise but is equally serious. It includes persistent criticism, humiliation, name-calling, threats, manipulation, gaslighting (causing you to question your own memory or perception), isolation from friends and family, and controlling who you can see or speak to.

Coercive and Controlling Behaviour

Since 2015, coercive and controlling behaviour has been a criminal offence under section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015. It covers a pattern of behaviour intended to make you dependent on or subordinate to the other person, isolate you from support, deprive you of freedom and independence, or regulate your everyday activities. The main elements of the offence are that the victim and perpetrator were personally connected at the time of the offence and the perpetrator’s behaviour:

• Was controlling or coercive.
• Was part of a repeated or continuous pattern.
• Had a serious effect on the victim or substantial adverse effect on the victim’s day-to-day activities.
• Was known or ought to have been known by the perpetrator to have a serious effect on the victim.

Coercive behaviour is an act or pattern of acts that is used to harm, punish or frighten the victim such as:

• Assault
• Threats
• Humiliation
• Intimidation
• Other abuse that is used to harm

Examples include:

• Monitoring your location, messages or social media
• Controlling what you wear, eat or who you spend time with
• Controlling access to money or preventing you from working
• Using children to control you, for example, by threatening to take them away
• Isolating you from support networks
• Threatening to harm you, children, pets or others if you leave

Financial and Economic Abuse

Financial and economic abuse involves controlling your access to money or resources in a way that restricts your independence. It is a recognised form of domestic abuse under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 and can include refusing you access to joint accounts, preventing you from working, taking out credit in your name without your knowledge, or controlling all household finances. Effectively, financial and economic abuse means any behaviour that has a substantial adverse effect on your ability to:

• Acquire, use or maintain money or other property, or
• Obtain goods or services.

Safety Planning Before You Leave

Leaving is often the most dangerous time. Research consistently shows that the period around separation carries a heightened risk of serious harm or escalation. A safety plan does not mean you have to leave immediately. It means making thoughtful preparations so that when you do leave, you are as safe as possible.

Clare’s Law: Your Right to Ask

If you are concerned about a partner’s past behaviour, or want to understand the risks you face, you can make a request under the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, known as Clare’s Law. This gives you the legal right to ask the police whether your partner has a history of domestic violence or abuse.

You can approach your local police force directly to make a request, or the police may proactively share information with you if they believe you are at risk. The information provided can help you and your solicitor assess the level of risk and make more informed decisions about your safety plan and any urgent legal protection you may need.

Your Devices and Digital Footprint

Abusers frequently monitor phones, tablets, computers and smart home devices to track their partner’s movements, messages and searches. Before seeking help, it is worth taking steps to protect your digital privacy:

• Use a device your partner does not have access to, such as a work computer, a friend’s phone or a library computer, when researching your options.
• Clear your browser history after researching, or use private or incognito browsing mode.
• If you have a shared cloud account (Apple iCloud, Google account), your partner may be able to see your location, messages and photos. Consider logging out or using a separate account.
• Check whether your partner has installed tracking or monitoring apps on your phone. These can look like ordinary apps.
• If you receive a call from a solicitor or support service, be aware that call logs may be visible on shared phone accounts.
• Change passwords on email and bank accounts from a safe device, but only once you are ready to leave, as your partner may notice the change.

Documents and Essentials to Gather

If it is safe to do so, try to collect or photograph the following before you leave:

• Passports and identity documents (yours and your children’s)
• Birth certificates
• National Insurance number and any documentation
• Bank account details, cards and any cash you can access
• Tenancy agreement, mortgage documents or evidence of your interest in the home
• Any evidence of abuse: photographs of injuries, screenshots of messages, and records of incidents with dates
• Medication and any medical records you may need
• Contact details for trusted friends, family and support organisations

Basic safety advice

• Keep a fully charged mobile phone at hand in case of emergencies.
• Know both the emergency and local police station telephone numbers and the numbers of any relevant organisations, such as social services or a domestic abuse support agency. Some examples are:
  • National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247
  • Hestia – 0808 169 9975
  • National Centre for Domestic Violence – 0207 186 8270
  • Mankind initiatives (for male victims of domestic abuse) – 08088001170 (freephone which will not show on telephone bills) or 01823334244 (helpline for those with inclusive minutes)
• Know telephone numbers for trusted friends and relatives by heart.
• Ask friends and relatives to keep in daily contact if appropriate.
• Identify a code word to use when calling others to identify that the police should be alerted.
• Keep any car fuelled, with a spare key at hand.
• Keep a bag of essential items at a place of safety containing cash, clothing, important documents, a spare mobile phone and telephone numbers.
• Ensure that the home is securely protected if living alone. Ask the police for advice on how any security surrounding the home can be updated
• Consider using a domestic abuse mobile phone application. Many applications can connect clients with local domestic abuse services and will automatically call 999 when a single button is pressed. The mobile telephone should always be password-protected.

When to Call 999

If you are in immediate danger, or you believe you are about to be harmed, call 999. You do not need to wait until violence has occurred. Threats, intimidation and behaviours that make you fear for your safety are enough.

If you cannot speak safely on the phone, you can call 999 and stay silent. The operator will ask questions you can answer with keypresses. The Silent Solution system works for mobile phone calls and means you can press 55 when prompted to confirm you need police assistance without being able to speak.

You can also text 999 if you are registered for the service. You must register your phone before use by texting “register” to 999 and following the instructions.

Immediate Legal Protections Available to You

The law provides powerful emergency tools for people who need protection from domestic abuse. You do not need to have started divorce or separation proceedings to apply for these orders. They are available independently and can be sought urgently.

Non-Molestation Orders

A non-molestation order is a court order that prohibits your partner or former partner from using or threatening violence against you, intimidating, harassing or pestering you, or contacting you in any way. Breaching a non-molestation order is a criminal offence, and your partner can be arrested if they breach its terms.

Applications for non-molestation orders are made under Part IV of the Family Law Act 1996. They can be made by anyone who is an ‘associated person’ with the respondent, which includes current and former partners, cohabiting partners, family members, and people who share parental responsibility for a child.

In urgent situations, your solicitor can apply for a non-molestation order without giving your partner advance notice. This is called a without-notice (or ex parte) application. The court can grant the order on the same day if there is a risk of significant harm.

In deciding whether to grant a non-molestation order without notice, the court shall have regard to all the circumstances, including:

• Any risk of significant harm to the applicant or a relevant child, attributable to the conduct of the respondent, if the order is not made immediately.
• Whether it is likely that the applicant will be deterred or prevented from pursuing the application if an order is not made immediately.
• Whether there is reason to believe that the respondent is aware of the proceedings but is deliberately evading service, and that the applicant or a relevant child will be seriously prejudiced by the delay involved in effecting service.

Where an order is made without notice, the court must afford the respondent an opportunity to make representations relating to the order as soon as is just and convenient at a full (return) hearing. Commonly, the court will list a return hearing date for the application to be reconsidered after the respondent has been served with a copy of the application.

In urgent cases, the court will endeavour to deal with the application on the same day or the following day.

In respect of the duration of orders, they will usually last between 6 – 12 months; however, in very serious cases, the orders may last longer.

Occupation Orders

An occupation order can regulate who lives in the family home. Depending on your circumstances, an occupation order can give you the right to remain in the home, require your partner to leave, or prevent your partner from returning. This applies even if your partner owns the property or is the sole tenant.

The court applies what is known as the balance of harm test when deciding whether to grant an occupation order: it weighs the likely harm to you and your children if the order is not made against the likely harm to your partner if it is. Where there is a significant risk of harm to you or the children, the court is likely to grant the order.

We have written in more detail about occupation orders and how the balance of harm test works in practice in our guide to occupation orders and the balance of harm.

Protection in Court: No Cross-Examination by Your Abuser

One concern many survivors have about court proceedings is the prospect of being questioned directly by their abuser. The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 addressed this directly.

Where there is evidence of abuse, or where a relevant injunction is in place, your abuser is legally prohibited from cross-examining you in person under section 65 of the Act. The court will appoint a separate, neutral legal representative to conduct any questioning on their behalf. This means you can give your evidence without being directly confronted or intimidated by the person who has harmed you. The prohibition also applies in reverse, ensuring a neutral legal representative is appointed on your behalf so you do not have to question your abuser.

This protection applies automatically in certain cases, including where there is a protective injunction or a criminal conviction or caution relating to a domestic abuse charge. There are other circumstances, for example where the quality of a witnesses evidence may be impacted or a witness may be placed under significant distress, the court may consider that it is necessary to prohibit one party from questioning another party or witness.

If an automatic prohibition does not apply, an application for a direction that one party is prohibited from questioning the other party or a witness can be made orally during a court hearing or in writing using the following forms:

• Form EX740 when applying on behalf of a person who has accused someone of abuse to prevent the alleged perpetrator from questioning them.
• Form EX741 when applying on behalf of a person who has been accused of abuse to prevent the accuser from questioning them.

Power of Arrest

If the court makes an occupation or non-molestation order and is satisfied that the respondent has used or threatened violence against you or a child, it can attach a power of arrest. This means the police can arrest your partner if they breach the order without the need for a warrant.

If You Have Children

If you have children, their safety and well-being will be central to everything that follows. Leaving an abusive relationship with children involves additional legal steps and, in some cases, urgency that requires immediate action. You have options.

Taking Children with You

If you are the child’s primary carer and you leave with the children, this is generally not considered child abduction in law, provided you remain within England and Wales. However, if the other parent has a child arrangements order that specifies the children should live with them, or if there are court orders preventing you from removing the children, you should seek urgent legal advice before you leave.

You should not, in normal circumstances, remove children from England and Wales without the consent of the other parent or a court order permitting you to do so.

Applying for Child Arrangements Orders: Form C100 and Form C1A

If you need the court to make arrangements for where the children live and how much time they spend with each parent, you will need to apply using Form C100. In cases involving domestic abuse, you should also complete Form C1A, which allows you to set out allegations of harm, risk of harm, or domestic abuse relevant to the children.

The court takes allegations of domestic abuse very seriously in children proceedings. Once a C1A is filed, the court must follow specific safeguarding procedures. This includes obtaining safeguarding checks from CAFCASS (the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) and, where appropriate, directing a fact-finding hearing to determine whether abuse has occurred.

Emergency Orders: Prohibited Steps and Specific Issue Orders

If you are concerned that the other parent may try to remove the children from your care, take them abroad, or do something else that would be harmful, you can apply urgently for a prohibited steps order. This prevents a specific action from being taken without the court’s permission.

A specific issue order can be used to resolve a particular dispute about a child’s upbringing, for example which school they attend or whether they can receive medical treatment.

Both types of order can be applied for on a without-notice (emergency) basis if there is immediate risk of harm.

What About Mediation?

Mediation can be a useful way for separating couples to resolve disputes about finances and children outside of court. However, mediation is not appropriate in every case, particularly where domestic abuse has been a feature of the relationship.

Why Mediation is Unsafe in Abuse Cases

In mediation, both parties meet with a neutral third party to try to reach an agreement. Where there has been abuse, the power imbalance between the parties makes it extremely difficult, and potentially dangerous, for a survivor to negotiate freely. A mediator’s role is not to protect you or investigate allegations of abuse: it is to facilitate discussion. Even shuttle mediation, where the parties are in separate rooms, does not adequately address the coercive dynamic that abuse creates.

Agreements reached in mediation under duress or fear may not reflect your genuine wishes. A solicitor can advise you on whether any such agreement should be challenged.

Exemptions from the MIAM Requirement

Before applying to court in family proceedings, most people are required to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM), where a mediator explains the mediation process and considers whether it is suitable. However, there is a specific domestic abuse exemption. You do not have to attend a MIAM if you have been the victim of domestic abuse and you have supporting evidence such as:

• A relevant arrest/caution/conviction for a domestic abuse offence.
• A relevant protective injunction (including a non-molestation order or occupation order).
• An undertaking given by a prospective party in injunction proceedings, provided that a cross-undertaking relating to domestic abuse was not given by another prospective party
• A copy of a fact finding, made in proceedings in the UK, that there has been domestic abuse by a prospective party.
• An expert report produced in court proceedings confirming the person was assessed as being, or at risk of being, a victim of domestic abuse

A letter or report from a professional such as a health professional, a member of a multi-agency risk assessment conference, an independent domestic violence advisor. If you have evidence of domestic abuse in any form listed above, your solicitor can certify the MIAM exemption on your behalf. We have written in more detail about the MIAM process and domestic abuse exemptions in our article on mediation and domestic abuse and our guide to MIAM certificates and exemptions.

When to Seek Legal Advice

If any of the following applies to your situation, it is important to speak to a family law solicitor as soon as possible. You do not need to have made a final decision about leaving, and you do not need to have evidence of abuse to have an initial conversation:

• You are currently in, or have recently left, an abusive relationship
• You are concerned about your safety or the safety of your children
• You want to understand your legal options before deciding what to do
• You are worried your partner may take the children, remove assets or harm you after you leave
• You have been told you must attend mediation but are afraid to do so
• You need to remain in, or return to, the family home
• You need to understand your financial rights following separation

You are not alone, and there is help available. If you are in immediate danger, call 999. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, on 0808 2000 247. All calls are free and confidential.

Speak to Our Family Law Team

At Fullers, we understand that reaching out for help when you are in an abusive relationship can feel frightening. Our family law team works with survivors with sensitivity, discretion and complete confidentiality. We will never pressure you into a particular course of action, and we will work at a pace that feels right for you.

We can help you with emergency injunctions including non-molestation and occupation orders, safety planning advice, applications relating to children, financial protection and long-term legal support as you rebuild your life.

We know that making first contact can feel risky. When you get in touch, you can tell us how you would like us to reach you and whether there are times that are safer for you. We will never leave a message that identifies us as a law firm without your permission, and we will always follow your lead on how and when it is safe to contact you. Our online contact form allows you to share anything that will help prepare for our meeting and you may include relevant information which will ensure your enquiry is dealt with in a manner which keeps you safe and reassured.

Contact us today to arrange a confidential consultation with one of our family law solicitors.